HOW TO FALL OUT OF LOVE
Now as we near Valentine’s Day, and the subject of love is
coming up time and time again, I not only muse on how important it is to have
love in one’s life, but on how it’s even better to be able to fall out of love
with the wrong person.
Now, I have nothing against being single and miss certain
aspects of my bachelorhood. If you are
single by choice, I applaud you. However,
time and time again, people have come to me with one simple problem: they didn’t know how to fall out of love.
Sometimes, the situation involves bereavement and the client
is unable to get over a loss that will enable him or her to start living
again. One the other hand, the situation
may be of a man or a woman who was simply not the right person for you at the
moment, but that you just can’t move beyond.
Sometimes it’s a battered housewife.
Bizarrely, I’ve even had clients who have never actually talked to the object of their desire, but
carry a massive crush all the same.
Maybe none of these apply to you. Maybe you are in a happy relationship. Yet, I’m willing to bet that many of you
still carry a secret desire for an old flame, or reminisce about the cute sales
clerk that flirted with you once. While there
may be nothing wrong with that, wouldn’t it be better to take that ‘charged energy’
you’ve been giving strangers and redirect it all back towards the person you
are supposed to be in a relationship with, so that the two of you become even
more in love? To me, it makes sense.
All of these people need to learn how to fall out of love—or
at least a kind of love—and for that they need what is called in Ireland a “beyond
the Pale” pattern. I got some of these
ideas by watching those who have fallen out of love naturally. For instance, someone very close to me
discovered that that their partner had been unfaithful. My friend was devastated but, being assured
that it had been a onetime folly that would never be repeated, recommitted to
the marriage. It happened again. And again. And again.
After numerous lies and betrayals my friend had had enough. She had gone beyond a threshold.
If you want to fall out of love, here’s what you do: remember everything bad about him/her. Remember every time they hurt you. Think of five examples. Make movies out of each memory, and run them
back to back. Imagine as you watch them
that you are sitting in a giant Imax cinema and make the movies big enough to
overwhelm you. Make the volume
ear-shattering. In fact, do whatever you
have to do to make the negative feeling become stronger and stronger. Each time you breath in, make the feelings of
hurt stronger.
Do that for a few minutes and stop. Look around and tidy up your living
space. Forget about it. After a little while, think about the person
again. I’m willing to bet, that your
feelings will have changed, simply by doing this once. If you do this several times a day, for a
week, you’ll condition in a feeling which is something like my friend felt when
she finally said to herself, “OK! That’s
it! I’ve had enough and I deserve
better!”
This may seem very manipulative, and I hear some of you out
there saying, “Hey, cut it out! That’s
not cool! You’re teaching people how to hate others!” And I would agree with you: it’s not cool and
this is what people do anyway but they usually don’t realize they are doing
it. Think of an abused housewife. Nine times out of ten, she keeps going back
because when she thinks of her husband, it’s the pain and love in his
eyes that she remembers as he whispers, “I’ll
never do it again, baby, I promise.”
In other words, she naturally edits out all the times he’s
hurt her. Or, they may be there, but not
in a way that hurts her enough to motivate her to leave. Since this is what people do anyway, it makes
sense to me that we should learn to do it consciously, so that we have more
control over our feelings. Having more
control over our feelings, especially when you also amplify the good feelings,
makes us more human not less.
This bit is important so please read this carefully: make sure that the pain you have when you
think of a particular bad memory is focused on the other person, not on
you. This is very important. Guilt and shame are inwardly directed and may
comprise some of the mix of feelings that arise. You must make sure that the pain is linked to
the other person. If this is difficult
for you, you can still use this technique but may have to be guided by somebody
who can help you discern the difference.
Or you can try this. The
following is another trick that I commonly also use with smokers to associate
cigarettes with bad feelings. You can do
it with somebody that’s broken your heart.
First, think of something that really nauseates you. Owners of big dogs usually have no problem
with this step! Imagine a steaming plateful
of this substance, and when you feel yourself started to become sick, push your
thumb and forefinger together.
Again, stop and look around.
Repeat these steps a few times, until you just have to push your fingers
together to feel unwell. At that stage
you’re ready for the final step: Imagine
the plate of disgusting food and mentally drop a little photo of the former
object of your affection into the nauseating mess. After that, practice thinking of the person
while squeezing your fingers together.
You’ll quickly fall out of love, I assure you.
Sometimes the loved one is gone, never to come back. In these cases of grief, what’s usually
happening is that the bereaved partner is thinking of their loved one in a way
that makes them seem far away and distant, and this separation feeds the sorrow
and keeps it alive.
When I work with someone like this, they usually think of
their partner in ways that make them seem distant, or hazy. They say things like, “He’s far away and I
can’t get to him,” or, “It’s like a dream that I can’t wake up from.” The client will always report that they
experience sadness and separation when they think of their lover like that.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the grief process is important
and sadness is an appropriate emotion to have in many situations. I don’t go in for the new-age thinking that
some emotions are ‘negative’ and some emotions are ‘positive’. But if you’ve grieved long enough, and friends
have started suggesting that you move on, consider trying the following easy
exercise.
Think of your loved one like this: imagine them smiling at
you, and place yourself in the scene, feeling their actual arms around you, and
the warmth from their closeness permeating through your body. Feel those good feelings and allow them to
become stronger and stronger each time you inhale, until you can’t help but
smile.
Again, do this many times.
Condition yourself to experience good feelings when you remember your
sweetheart, so that the memories of the times you’ve shared together become
powerful strengths that allow you to go forward in your life.
As you do this, remember the old, hazy distant image, and allow it to
become smaller and smaller, until it just disappears, so as the sad feelings
begin to dissipate, they are naturally replaced by the warmth and love of the
good feelings. As the distant picture disappears
once and for all, say, “Goodbye, and thank you.” Feel all the gratitude inside for the times
you’ve had together.
So, once you’ve learned to fall out of love, you can learn
to amplify the excitement and passion in your life as well. In fact, you could run all these techniques
in reverse to increase romantic passion.
For advice on how to turn on and intensify your current relationship,
keep your eyes peeled for future articles.
