HOW TO FALL OUT OF LOVE

Now as we near Valentine’s Day, and the subject of love is coming up time and time again, I not only muse on how important it is to have love in one’s life, but on how it’s even better to be able to fall out of love with the wrong person.

Now, I have nothing against being single and miss certain aspects of my bachelorhood.  If you are single by choice, I applaud you.  However, time and time again, people have come to me with one simple problem:  they didn’t know how to fall out of love.

Sometimes, the situation involves bereavement and the client is unable to get over a loss that will enable him or her to start living again.  One the other hand, the situation may be of a man or a woman who was simply not the right person for you at the moment, but that you just can’t move beyond.  Sometimes it’s a battered housewife.  Bizarrely, I’ve even had clients who have never actually  talked to the object of their desire, but carry a massive crush all the same.

Maybe none of these apply to you.  Maybe you are in a happy relationship.  Yet, I’m willing to bet that many of you still carry a secret desire for an old flame, or reminisce about the cute sales clerk that flirted with you once.  While there may be nothing wrong with that, wouldn’t it be better to take that ‘charged energy’ you’ve been giving strangers and redirect it all back towards the person you are supposed to be in a relationship with, so that the two of you become even more in love?  To me, it makes sense.

All of these people need to learn how to fall out of love—or at least a kind of love—and for that they need what is called in Ireland a “beyond the Pale” pattern.  I got some of these ideas by watching those who have fallen out of love naturally.  For instance, someone very close to me discovered that that their partner had been unfaithful.  My friend was devastated but, being assured that it had been a onetime folly that would never be repeated, recommitted to the marriage.  It happened again.  And again.  And again.  After numerous lies and betrayals my friend had had enough.  She had gone beyond a threshold.

If you want to fall out of love, here’s what you do:  remember everything bad about him/her.  Remember every time they hurt you.  Think of five examples.  Make movies out of each memory, and run them back to back.  Imagine as you watch them that you are sitting in a giant Imax cinema and make the movies big enough to overwhelm you.  Make the volume ear-shattering.  In fact, do whatever you have to do to make the negative feeling become stronger and stronger.  Each time you breath in, make the feelings of hurt stronger.

Do that for a few minutes and stop.  Look around and tidy up your living space.  Forget about it.  After a little while, think about the person again.  I’m willing to bet, that your feelings will have changed, simply by doing this once.  If you do this several times a day, for a week, you’ll condition in a feeling which is something like my friend felt when she finally said to herself, “OK!  That’s it!  I’ve had enough and I deserve better!”

This may seem very manipulative, and I hear some of you out there saying, “Hey, cut it out!  That’s not cool! You’re teaching people how to hate others!”  And I would agree with you: it’s not cool and this is what people do anyway but they usually don’t realize they are doing it.  Think of an abused housewife.  Nine times out of ten, she keeps going back because when she thinks of her husband, it’s the pain and love in his eyes that she remembers as he  whispers, “I’ll never do it again, baby, I promise.” 

In other words, she naturally edits out all the times he’s hurt her.  Or, they may be there, but not in a way that hurts her enough to motivate her to leave.  Since this is what people do anyway, it makes sense to me that we should learn to do it consciously, so that we have more control over our feelings.  Having more control over our feelings, especially when you also amplify the good feelings, makes us more human not less.

This bit is important so please read this carefully:  make sure that the pain you have when you think of a particular bad memory is focused on the other person, not on you.  This is very important.  Guilt and shame are inwardly directed and may comprise some of the mix of feelings that arise.  You must make sure that the pain is linked to the other person.  If this is difficult for you, you can still use this technique but may have to be guided by somebody who can help you discern the difference.

Or you can try this.  The following is another trick that I commonly also use with smokers to associate cigarettes with bad feelings.  You can do it with somebody that’s broken your heart.  First, think of something that really nauseates you.  Owners of big dogs usually have no problem with this step!  Imagine a steaming plateful of this substance, and when you feel yourself started to become sick, push your thumb and forefinger together.

Again, stop and look around.  Repeat these steps a few times, until you just have to push your fingers together to feel unwell.  At that stage you’re ready for the final step:  Imagine the plate of disgusting food and mentally drop a little photo of the former object of your affection into the nauseating mess.  After that, practice thinking of the person while squeezing your fingers together.  You’ll quickly fall out of love, I assure you.

Sometimes the loved one is gone, never to come back.  In these cases of grief, what’s usually happening is that the bereaved partner is thinking of their loved one in a way that makes them seem far away and distant, and this separation feeds the sorrow and keeps it  alive.

When I work with someone like this, they usually think of their partner in ways that make them seem distant, or hazy.  They say things like, “He’s far away and I can’t get to him,” or, “It’s like a dream that I can’t wake up from.”  The client will always report that they experience sadness and separation when they think of their lover like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I think the grief process is important and sadness is an appropriate emotion to have in many situations.  I don’t go in for the new-age thinking that some emotions are ‘negative’ and some emotions are ‘positive’.  But if you’ve grieved long enough, and friends have started suggesting that you move on, consider trying the following easy exercise.

Think of your loved one like this: imagine them smiling at you, and place yourself in the scene, feeling their actual arms around you, and the warmth from their closeness permeating through your body.  Feel those good feelings and allow them to become stronger and stronger each time you inhale, until you can’t help but smile.

Again, do this many times.  Condition yourself to experience good feelings when you remember your sweetheart, so that the memories of the times you’ve shared together become powerful strengths that allow you to go forward in your life.

As you do this, remember  the old, hazy distant image, and allow it to become smaller and smaller, until it just disappears, so as the sad feelings begin to dissipate, they are naturally replaced by the warmth and love of the good feelings.  As the distant picture disappears once and for all, say, “Goodbye, and thank you.”  Feel all the gratitude inside for the times you’ve had together.

So, once you’ve learned to fall out of love, you can learn to amplify the excitement and passion in your life as well.  In fact, you could run all these techniques in reverse to increase romantic passion.  For advice on how to turn on and intensify your current relationship, keep your eyes peeled for future articles.